For all of you yougsters out there desperatly wishing you were older, and people would take you more seriously, I thought I would write a guide for you to look and act older!
Follow these steps and you'll be yelling at kids for their loud music in no time!
First, Aching Joints.
Just start complaining about them, whether they hurt or not. They don't really hurt anyone, but everyone thinks they are supposed to so we just make it up.
Second, Slow Down.
Most older people will tell you they don't understand why you go so fast, why not stop and smell the roses. Really they just can't run because they are too busy pretending their joints hurt. You now need to enjoy things around you more and also drive a lot slower. It's the duty of the older generation to piss off the younger ones so that they can one day too drive slowly thus completing the cycle.
Third, Reminisce.
Talk about "The Good Ole Days" just make shit up. Anyone who's read my Opa story knows that's what he does. Talk about how when you were young gas was cheaper, and we had people in space. Or go crazy and say in your day we all were in space and you yourself built this planet that we walk on just for the younger generation who in turn doesn't appreciate you.
Third point five, Reminisce part 2.
Always talk about old shows and old bands as if you were a part of them.
Fourth, Talk Like Your Dad.
Learn some terrible jokes, and use them whenever you can, here are a few:
What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell Carrots?
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts.
What's Orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Fifth, You Are What You Wear.
This one will depend on how old you want to be, and also how you want people to look at you. You'll have to do a little research here. Personally, I hike up my pants so far that no one, not even myself, can be sure where my stomach begins and my crotch ends. Try wearing golf pants, those can really get you started.
Sixth, This One Is Scary.
This last step is the end all. After this there is no going back. Make sure you are ready with creaky joints, bad jokes, and old man loafers. Politics. Start watching the news and have strange opinions on every politician. Start mudslinging you own TV more than they do on it.
Good luck friends, and remember, GET OFF MY LAWN!
Skot/Scott
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